Pun’s the word….
1. I’m looking for a pun concerning carpentry. Do you know any that woodwork?
2. I’ve joined a new online dating site for arsonists. They send me new matches each week.
3. I’ve just got a new chicken proof lawn it’s impeccable.
4. I got a call today, the guy asked “Is that the local swimming baths?” I replied “ It depends where you live”
5. When I was a little kid, I got my brother to swallow a torch, it was well worth it just to see his little face light up.
6. A man tried to attack me in the street with a razor. Luckily he couldn’t find anywhere to plug it in. That was a close shave.
7. Sometimes kids are sent away to mime school never to be heard of again.
8. There was a fire at a miniature village today. Flames could be seen up to 3ft away.
9. I asked my husband to drop his trousers at the dry cleaners. Apparently he got a nice round of applause but he’s been banned from going there again.
10. I tried so hard to do a job in computer programming but in the end I had to accept that I simply couldn’t do IT.
11. I found out my new girlfriend is a ghost. To be honest I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
12. Monday -Greg, Tuesday – Ian, Wednesday – Greg, Thursday – Ian, Friday. – Greg, Saturday – Ian, Sunday – Greg. The Gregorian Calendar
13. A man knocked at my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
14. Had a one night stand with a snowman, never again, woke up early to find he’d gone – and wet the bed!!
15. My dad always said “Time is a great healer” great bloke, terrible A&E consultant
16. I was once married to Steve Graf’s sister Poly. Honest, I wouldn’t lie to you.
17. Having made a Ouija board entirely out of yoghurt pots, a friend asked me if I was dabbling in the Yakult.
18. Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in my family, my mum, my dad, my older brother Colin and my younger brother Ho Chan Chu. I reckon it’s definitely Colin.
19. A lorry load of onions were spilt on the M62 today. Police have advised motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Blond Not so Dumb
A blonde walks into a bank in The City of London Bank and asks for the loan officer.
Asks to borrow £5,000 for two weeks for a business trip to Europe.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, and the blond provides the title to the car.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh for using a £110,000 Benz as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, “we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”
The blonde replies, “Where else in Central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
|Children in Church|
|One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”|
|One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”|
|A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”|
|The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”|
|My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.|
|A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.. They were ready to dicuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”|